Like a Knife
by erynn8787
Summary: Mer is a 5th year resident and goes to Boston for her fellowship. What happens when her past comes back to haunt her? Completely AU. No Rose! MD eventually.
1. Never forgotten

_"You never forget your first love."_

These words rang true to Meredith Grey. She remembered vividly the raven haired blue eyed boy she fell in love with during medical school. He was different than anyone she had ever been with. So why was he suddenly crossing her mind? That had been years ago, she was a fifth year resident now, she shouldn't be taking long trips down memory lane. She was, though. The memories constantly interfered with the surgeries she loved, making it nearly impossible to concentrate.

Derek Shepherd should not be on her mind. Derek Shepherd had disappeared 7 years ago from her life with nothing so much as a goodbye. A note...a note she could handle. A fucking phone call or text message may have even sufficed. But nothing, he just packed up and left one day while she was at class. She remembered that they had fought over something the day before he left, but it wasn't the type of fight where you left the "love of your life."

_"I said I wanted to be with you Meredith! One hundred and ten! And yet you can't even take the fucking time to talk to me anymore, it's like I'm second rate to you sometimes," he yelled as he ran his fingers through his curls._

_"What the fuck do you want me to say Derek? That I'm going to give my career up? That medicine isn't important to me? It's who I am! My mother is Ellis fucking Grey, Derek. I would be disinherited if I gave this up," she breathed._

_"What about me? What about us? Who the fuck are we kidding Mer, we can't even act civilized for 3 seconds, and...I...I love you. I love you and even if you're the most frustrating person in the world, I still love you. You're the love of my life," he said quietly as he traced her cheek with him thumb. _

_A few tears rolled down her cheeks and she leaned into his touch. She loved him, she knew that much. She just didn't know how this was supposed to work. She'd never done the whole relationship, leave your toothbrush over, kind of thing. This was all new to her. She figured she'd be able to learn along the way, that it'd be fun...she just didn't expect the fighting. Sometimes it felt like all they did was have sex, fight, then have make up sex before fighting yet again. _

_"I...I love you too Der. I know I don't say it often enough, but I do...love you," she whispered, but avoided his gaze._

_"See Meredith, this is what you do. You love me but you won't even look me in the eyes when you say it. What's going to happen to us when we're on different sides of the country?"_

_She gasped, this came as a shock to her. They had talked about this. Derek was a fourth year and she was a second year, but they had discussed trying to be at the same hospital. Or at least in the same city. But now he was saying they'd be on opposite coasts._

_"What!? Derek...I thought we agreed? I thought we were going to try to be at the same hospital as one another. You know I can't do this without you," she sighed as she looked him in the eyes, "I love you Der. I...I...thought we were in this together," she mumbled as fresh tears pooled in her eyes._

_"We can't do this. We can't go on thinking that there's a possibility we'll be at the same hospital it's..."_

_"You said to have faith Derek!" she interjected._

_"I...I don't know," he muttered as he took up pacing in front of her. She watched him run his hand through his hair and sigh. _

_"Stop the pacing, damnit! You're making me dizzy."_

_He stopped and looked at her. Blue clashed with green and that was all it took for him to ravage his lips with hers._

"Meredith! Are you even listening to me?!"

Her head snapped up and she was met with an angry glare from Cristina Yang, her best friend, her person.

"Huh what's wrong?"

"Seriously Mer? I've been here for about 10 minutes asking you if you wanted to head to Joe's when you were done your shift. You just stood there all misty eyed and far away. What the hell happened today?"

"Uhh...n-nothing happened today. Just surgeries and umm…patients. Nothing out of the norm. I had some surgeries...why?" She rambled quickly.

"Spill it."

"Nothing to spill," she said as she started walking away.

"Seriously? I've known you for 4 years Mer. You're doing the rambling and avoiding shit again. What's going on?"

"There's nothing to tell," she said more firmly. She didn't want to talk about this. This wasn't something she wanted to share yet with her best friend. They all thought she was dark and twisty as it was, no need to add to it.

"Fine. Joe's?"

She nodded her response before answering the shrilling of her pager.

--

"Boys are stupid! Why do we even need them?" Meredith slurred to Cristina and Izzie.

"For sex," Cristina bluntly stated before slamming back another shot.

"Well...not necessarily. They make toys to take care of their job," Meredith giggled.

"Gimme that, you're drunk," Cristina laughed as she tried grabbing her drink away.

Meredith hugged it close to her body, "No! Its mine! And I'm not drunk. I'm clearly stating a fact. They do make toys to take care of a man's job Cris. Right Iz?"

"Uhh yeah. I'm not getting involved," the blonde said slowly.

"Meredith...listen to me."

"Huh, what?" She turned towards Cristina, almost falling off her stool.

"Look you need to get laid alright? See that guy over there, he's hot and he keeps staring at you. So go over there and take him home. Got it?"

"Cris...I don't want to sleep with anyone. I don't need to sleep with anyone."

"Yes...you do. You're miserable Meredith. Go have some hot sex and be less miserable. Go go go!" She shouted as she pushed Meredith off her stool and into the general direction of the guy.

Meredith shot her friend a hateful look before stumbling over to where the guy was sitting. He was alone in a booth and when he noticed she was walking over to him, he smirked. She didn't know whether to return the smirk or not, so she sat across from him.

"So my friends say you've been staring at me," she smiled coyly.

He smirked back at her before lifting his glass to his lips, keeping his eyes trained on her. He swallowed the amber liquid and studied her carefully. Her long honey blonde hair curled naturally around her face. He couldn't get over the luminosity of her eyes. There was something missing though, there was no sparkle in them. She smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes. Her giggle, though, was contagious and he found himself chuckling along with her.

"I'm Meredith," she said with a bright smile. Again he noticed how her eyes showed no glimmer. He wanted to know why this beautiful girl in front of him was so sad. He was curious as to what her story could be.

He stuck out his hand, "Jamie."

Meredith bit back a small gasp the second their hands met. She felt sparks when his skin touched hers. She smiled playfully up at him before releasing his hand.

He motioned to the bar, "what are you drinking?"

She bit her lower lip, "Umm...tequila."

He quirked an eyebrow at her.

"What?" She giggled.

"Really? Tequila? You'll regret that in the morning."

"I normally do," she gave him a flirty wink.

"So...Meredith...do you want to get out of here?"

"Sure," she smiled seductively as she stuck out her hand to him. "Let's get out of here."

_I had no clue, what I was getting into, so I blame it on the Cuervo _

_Oh where did my manners go?_


	2. Meeting

Meredith was stirred awake before the alarm by a pair of strong arms encircling her waist

Meredith was stirred awake before the alarm by a pair of strong arms encircling her waist. She opened her eyes slowly and saw the man sleeping contently next to her, a small smile tugging at his lips. She felt guilt wash over her as she laid there in his arms. She shouldn't feel guilty about sleeping with another man, but she was regretting bringing him home. She should be able to be healthy, to move on, but she couldn't. Seven years without him, temporarily filling the void he left night after night, wasn't helping her heal. If anything…it was making her worse. She couldn't trust anyone anymore. Derek broke her completely when he left. She was a shell of the bright and lively girl he had known at Dartmouth.

_"Come on Mer! It'll be fun! I promise," her room mate Charlotte whined. _

_Meredith rarely went out. She was here to learn to become a doctor, not to go out and party. That's what college was for and she utilized it. She tamed her ways since then, even the meaningless one night stands. _

"_Charli, we've been through this," she groaned._

"_Right. The whole I'm here to learn bit. Meredith, it's bullshit. You need to go out and have fun once in a while. When was the last time you went out?"_

_Meredith sat and tried to remember, but she couldn't._

"_It wasn't a rhetorical question," she stood with her hands on her hips._

"_I don't remember," she whispered._

"_Exactly! Let's go, you're coming with me," Charlotte grabbed her textbook and closed it before grabbing her arm and pulling her off the couch._

"_Seriously?!"_

"_Seriously. You need a night off Mer, you're running yourself ragged."_

"_I have a test on Thursday!"_

"_In what?"_

"_Biochem."_

"_Oh shit. Well…we're going out anyway. You need this alright?"_

"_Fine but if I fail that exam, it's on you," she giggled._

_They headed to one of the frats and soon Meredith wasn't thinking about school and what the functions of carbohydrates were. She was thinking about how porny everyone was beginning to look thanks to the tequila she was tossing back. She knew this wasn't something she needed right now, she needed to find her room mate so she could go back to her dorm._

"_Charli!" She began opening random bedroom doors, ignoring couples in the throes. _

"_Mer? Meredith?" She heard a moan from the bed._

"_Sorry…can we uh, go home?" She felt uncomfortable walking in on her friend having sex, but it wasn't the first time she had done it._

"_Kinda busy Mer. Give me an hour and we'll leave, okay?"_

"_Fine," she groaned and shut the door. She turned to walk down the hall but instead, collided with a hard body._

"_Shit I'm sorry. Are you alright?" She felt strong arms steady her and she lifted her gaze to the stranger. She felt her heart skip a beat when their eyes met. He was gorgeous, had perfect hair and cerulean colored eyes._

"_Uhhh…I'm…fine," she stammered. Great, now she completely embarrassed herself in front of a hot guy._

"_Are you sure? You seem…not fine."_

"_I just walked in on my room mate having sex," she grimaced._

_He chuckled._

"_What?! It wasn't funny!" She giggled._

"_I know, but I've had that happen to me more times than I care to remember," he said with a grin._

"_Hmm our room mates should meet."_

"_I'm trying to find him, but no luck."_

"_Well don't open that door," she laughed, "That's where my friend is."_

_They soon heard a loud moan from the room. They laughed for a minute before Meredith put her head to the door._

"_Your friend's name wouldn't happen to be Mark…would it?"_

_His face paled before he started to laugh._

"_Of course that would be him. Mark sleeps with everyone."_

"_Charlotte does too," she shook her head before giggling._

"_What's so funny?"_

"_Knowing Charli…I'm never getting home before my class tomorrow."_

"_What's your major?"_

"_Oh no, I'm a med student."_

"_Seriously?! Me too, what year?"_

"_First year," she said with a grin. Cute boy was a med student too, this could be beneficial. Study and have someone gorgeous to look at. _

_He cocked his head and grinned at her, "First year huh? Those were some great times," he said sarcastically._

"_Well then hot shot, what year are you?"_

"_Third year. I just started my clerkships."_

"_Good to see that it's possible to survive the first 2 years," she giggled._

"_Oh yes. I could, ya know…help if you'd like."_

"_That'd be great," she breathed a sigh of relief._

"_I look forward to it," he grinned._

"_Umm well…I should probably get the bus back to my dorm. I have a huge biochem exam coming up."_

"_Do you want a ride? I mean it'd be stupid for you to get the bus when I have my car here. I was the designated driver anyways."_

"_Would you…do you mind?"_

_He shook his head._

"_It isn't a problem. Mark can fend for himself," he chuckled lightly._

"_Yeah Charli has the keys. And I'm pretty sure if I got pulled over I'd be in deep shit," she giggled. She started to walk down the stairs, but she felt his arm on her shoulder, turning her around._

"_What's your name? We just spent all this time talking and I still have no idea what your name is."_

"_Oh…right…" she stuck out her hand, "Meredith."_

_He grinned at her before taking her hand, "Derek."_

_She felt the blush creeping up as his hand lingered in hers. He didn't release it, instead he laced their fingers and brought their entwined hands to their sides._

"_Come on let's get you home. Maybe I'll even help you study for your exam," he winked. She giggled at him before walking down the stairs and leaving the party.  
_

Meredith felt tears pooling in her eyes as the memory faded. She wished she could go back to what they were before they got too busy with their schooling. Meredith didn't blame Derek for leaving, everyone else left her. Her father left, he left, and then her mother died. She was all alone, well, except for Izzie and George who lived with her.

She felt the bed shift and she quickly wiped her eyes. She didn't need Jamie to see her this vulnerable. She soon felt his breath against the back of her neck before he began kissing her. Meredith instinctively moved her head so he could get better access to her neck. She let out a soft moan before rolling over to face him.

"Good morning," he said with a smile. He leaned over and kissed her lightly.

"Morning," she returned his smile. She felt butterflies in her stomach, which was something she hadn't experienced in years. Maybe Jamie could help her heal, maybe Jamie was her fresh start.

_You sit there in your heartache_

_Waiting on some beautiful boy_

_To save you from your old ways_


End file.
